This week March 11th-17th celebrates the joys of adoption here in Finland under the campaign #adoptionilo. Adoption starts out of loss, but the healing starts there where you find gratitude and joy. I have never made a mystery of the challenges we face in adoptive parenting, but there’s plenty of positive change adoption brought into our life as well. This week, I’ll focus on that.

JOY #1: connecting with the welcoming Indian community

Adopting our son allowed us to connect with the local Indian community. Indian people living in Finland proved to be some of the most warm-hearted people I ever met. Whenever I had questions about Indian culture, food or simply about caring for my boy, they were there. I was warmly welcomed in all groups they have started here. I even made new friends. Two ladies borrowed or bought us books from India to allow us to teach our son about his birth country. We received multiple spontaneous offers about teaching our son Hindi. I am humbled and moved about how this community welcomed us with enthusiasm and open hearts. They embraced us from day one without holding back. This is one of the many joys our son brought to our life and for that I am very grateful

JOY #2: witnessing my kids’ sibling relationship

Probably my greatest joy is witnessing my children’s sibling relationship develop and thrive beyond any blood tie. They were both quite young when our son joined the family through adoption and they accepted each other right away. They are different, yet very compatible. They are close and take care of each other. They struggle when they are separated. The power of their bond goes beyond any of my expectations. When I watch them playing, reading books to each other, having deep conversations at bedtime, I can see with clear simplicity how we were all meant for each other. They truly don’t care how they became family: they simply know they are.

JOY #3: opening my heart and mind to love, connection, and empathy

When my son joined the family, he was longing for love, connection, and belonging. I was a mother already and I assumed I was prepared. I was not. The first 18 months were really challenging. They were also terribly enriching. Quoting a fellow adoptive mum, my son shaped me in the mother he needed me to be. He forced me to open my heart and mind to what love and connection really mean. I learned to value them also in my own life. The day-to-day was not as spontaneous as I expected and that taught me to be grateful of every little conquest. Before meeting him I was living in a world of fast and easy. He invited me to take a break and welcome life in all its colours and shades. I would be lying if I’d say it was a pain free transition, but I would never go back to my old self.

JOY #4: working on our couple relationships

Another gift our son brought to our life was encouraging us to work on our couple relationship. The parenting struggles we faced in the first months put us in a spot where we had to make sure we were solid as a couple. This was work we unconsciously had put off for years after our daughter was born. Our son was clear in laying out what he requested of us. It was clear we couldn’t comply and be the parents he deserved until we would find balance for ourselves. Now it was time to act.
It wasn’t easy and we asked for help in many ways, but we got there. Kids bring upsetting changes to couple life, but also great motivation to make it all work. I don’t think we would have done the same with a pregnancy and a biological child. The long process, the fight to get to hold our son, the struggles of adoptive parenting were all unique features to adoption.
It was hard work, but I never thought I could be as happy as I am now.

JOY #5: finding my tribe

Adoption from the adoptive parents’ perspective is tough. The process itself is very demanding, no matter what country you live in or what kind of adoption you are pursuing. Here in Finland, it takes several years. Bureaucracy you didn’t even know could exist and long silent waits. Then there’s the after placement, another set of challenges. Nothing can prepare to having to parent a child who has experienced trauma.
I found incredible support in the adoptive parents’ community. I met many online in Facebook groups, Instagram, and Twitter. I got to know and meet also several here in Finland. The experiences we shared were so strong that no one held back when asked for help. I had intimate discussions with perfect strangers who simply “got it” and could understand what we were going through. I never experienced this kind of compassion and connection when I had my biological daughter.

JOY #6: discovering and embracing a new culture

Adoption connected us to India and its culture. As expats, we already had a multicultural family before adopting our son. Adding Indian culture to the mix, just brought in more fun and experiences. We are constantly learning new aspects of Indian culture, tradition, and history. My husband and I now love to watch documentaries on India or Indian movies (there’s not just Bollywood!). We grew to love Indian food and cook it regularly at home. We celebrate Diwali, Rakhi, Holi every year. It’s more than curiosity: a piece of our hearts belongs to India now.
During the process, we always repeated we never intended to cut our child’s roots: we hoped to expand them and include his birth culture into our family. Given our own origins, we knew how important that factor was in his identity. I didn’t expect to grow so involved, though. I find myself eager to learn more about India and Indian customs. I feel a deep connection to that far away colourful country. We found out as Italians we share so much with Indian people: family first, respect for tradition, warm and passionate personality, indomitable creativity. We discovered so much about ourselves by mirroring into another culture.

JOY #7: learning about the power of love

Many adopted children show delays due to the hard circumstances they had to spend their first months or years in. Our son was well-cared for, but nothing can replace the exclusive care of parents. He was tiny, spoke few words, struggled with attachment and affection. I always thought children mostly needed to be fed and cleaned, but love, care, and affection are as crucial as food. I learned how connection is fundamental for human beings when I observed how children struggle when they are deprived of it.
My son taught me how powerful love can be. After a couple of months, he could speak 30 words in Italian. He grew 10 cm taller in a year and his body gained muscles. He became less goofy and developed fine motor skills. He learned how to cuddle and enjoy physical proximity – something I took for granted in children before, it’s not!
Love is what allows us to thrive. The longing for connection drives a lot of our actions. I’ve started to use this concept as a lens to observe others. I could notice it in my behaviour, my husband’s, even my colleagues’. Suffering for lack of intimacy in a marriage, for missing validation or feedback on the workplace, attacking others out of fear, are all proof of how belonging and connecting with others is a basic need of human beings. In the end, a matter of survival.
I call this a joy from adoption because it completely changed how I look at life. It shaped my relationships, taught me compassion, validated my needs and those of the people close to me. Watching our son thrive under our care also taught me a great lot about hope and power of love.
Love doesn’t conquer all. Love isn’t enough to mend every situation. Nevertheless, love paired with time can achieve a great deal, change lives, change the world.

Do you want to know more about adoption in Finland? Check out these posts:
International adoption in Finland, how does it work?
How I came to appreciate the Finnish adoption system
Our adoption story, chapter I
If you want to connect with other adoptive families in Finland, join the Finnish association of adoptive families (Adoptioperheet ry) or our English-speaking support group.