Today I host a guest post by Simon, an adoptee living in UK. Simon contacted me after he found my (temporarily on hold) podcast. We had a conversation via email and he kindly offered to put some thoughts into writing. The result was this powerful and raw letter to adoptive parents. I thank Simon for accepting the risks of being so vulnerable for the benefit of families like mine. Simon now works as a coach for parents and adoptees, and uses his experience to help them navigate difficult emotions and situations. Here’s his words.

Dear Adoptive Parent,

many people will tell you that adoptees are broken. 
Many adoptees see themselves as broken. 
If we’re broken there’s no hope.
And if there’s no hope….

So

the biggest thing that any adoptive parent can see is that their adopted child isn’t broken. The biggest thing that any adopted child can see is that they’re not broken.

How do I know this is true?
I was adopted at 5 weeks old and told so young that I can’t remember ever not knowing. I didn’t think I had a problem with being adopted until I was 40 when I found out that my birth mother had given me the teddy bear I’d had forever. I didn’t have a problem until I thought I had a problem. Then I had a big problem.

I did a lot of work on myself – courses, books, audio books, videos until I saw I wasn’t breakable, never mind broken. But then I read a book that told me that adoption had wounded and I went back down the rabbit hole. 
Only I went deeper this time. 
The deeper I went the darker it got. 
The darker it got the less light I saw. 
The less light I saw the less hope I felt.

Before I’d had only my opinion that adoption had broken me. 
This time I had expert scientific proof and a fistful of reasons to buy into this. 
The book explained that adoptees don’t like change.
The book explained that adoptees don’t like rejection.
The book explained that adoptees don’t like feeling out of control.
I bought into all that. Until I didn’t.

Here’s the thing.
No-one likes feeling like that.
The book explained that adoptees are wounded.
Here’s the biggest thing.
Wounds are physical damage to our bodies.
But we aren’t our bodies because when we die we leave those bodies behind.
We’re the life force that works those bodies.
For as long as we are alive that spirit can’t be broken – no matter how broken we think we are.
Spirit is unbreakable.

About me

My name is Simon Benn. I was adopted at 5 weeks old and told of the adoption so young I can’t even remember not knowing.
All went pretty well until I found out at 40 that my teddy bear was a gift from my birth mother. This led to some very intense anger about being unloved. And I also started to explore why business success had left me hollow and not stopped me worrying about the future. I came through that through a lot of work on myself and learning a lot about how we humans work. Eventually I found myself working in schools to empower kids to make their dreams come true, ignore bullies and be happy. I now coach parents (adoptive and non-adoptive) on improving their kids confidence and self-esteem using what I’ve learned working with 1600 youngsters. I also coach adoptees so they don’t feel broken and wounded any more.

Featured Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash.