Few weeks ago I gave you all a chance to ask anything on your mind about adoption or our experience. I called for all questions about adoption, even anonymously. If you are new to this, I will spare a couple of words about my family.

My husband and I were born and raised in Italy, then moved to Finland several years ago. We have a daughter through birth and a couple of years ago our son joined the family through international adoption from India. You can read our full adoption story here and a summary of how the adoption process works in Finland here and here.

I received so many interesting questions! I will surely repeat this initiative in the future. You are also welcome to forward any question you have through my contact form. I have answered to the best of my knowledge. Here’s what you asked me.

How long is the adoption process?

The length of the adoption process varies depends on where you live, where you adopt from, if you adopt domestically or internationally. Plus, there’s always a degree of uncertainty.
Here in Finland, the counselling phase is common to both domestic and international adoptions and lasts about a year. After that, it varies greatly, from months to years. I think 5 years overall is a credible expectation.

How long was your process, from applying to seeing your beautiful son?

We were lucky, as our whole process lasted exactly 3 years. Ironically, counselling and permit issuing by the Finnish authorities was the longest part. We sent our documentation to India in March 2016 and got matched already in August 2016! Our agency said they never witnessed such a quick process. A consistent portion of bureaucracy on the Indian side takes place only after the match, so we had to wait until February 2017 before we were able to travel and meet our son E. The longest months of my life!

How old was your daughter when you decided to adopt?

Our daughter R was exactly one year old when I made the first phone call to social services and asked to start counselling (literally, the next day after her birthday!). My husband and I had made a decision few months earlier but the municipality forbid us to start before she had turned one.

We are also expats living in Finland but will be most likely moving away within 2 years time. Do you think we have a chance in the adoption process? We already have 1 child.

Impossible is a strong word, but I’d say it’s extremely unlikely to succeed in a situation like this. While adoption counselling is free, you will be requested many documents which, as foreigners, you’ll be required to officially translate at your own expenses. It will be time- and money-consuming. The counselling and the application for the adoption license will last over a year, then it’s extremely hard for an international adoption to carry out in less than a year. You would surely lose hundreds or thousands of euros. Beside that, expecting to move away in a short time may have a negative impact on your application for the adoption license. Personally, I would recommend to start an adoption process in your new country of residence or change your plans for a move. Sorry if my answer is discouraging, but that’s my honest advice.

Can I adopt my sister’s daughter? What is the procedure?

I am not familiar with Finnish laws regulating such a situation and if the child lives in another country than you, there may be additional legal obstacles. I would recommend to contact your local social services or ask for legal advice. Sorry I cannot help much.

Did you have to go to India to adopt the child?

The adoption process took place entirely in Finland, with the agency Interpedia acting as an intermediary. We travelled to India to meet and pick up our son, months after we were matched with him. Adopting from India requires at least a trip, sometime a couple if the judge ruling on the adoption requests the parents’ presence.
Other countries have different requirements. For example, Kenya demands that adoptive parents move there for several months.

How does it work with not being Finnish or even EU? In my home country both must be a citizen to adopt but it couldn’t find information about how it is here.

Requirements for EU or non-EU citizens are the same in the Finnish system, that is, foreign adoption applicants need to have habitual residence in Finland. I could not find out what that exactly means in Finland. I recommend to contact your local social services to see if you qualify for counselling.

Have you experienced some sort of pity from friends, family or someone? Have you had to justify your choice of adopting to anyone (but the social worker)? My husband and I are in the process of adopting and I feel like I have to share my life story every time someone finds out about it. I feel like people don’t believe me when I say this is my number one ‘plan’. They keep suggesting fertility treatments and ‘just relaxing’, and raise their eyebrows when I say my husband feels the same way I do. I guess my question is: will this end once the child is here? Do I still have to listen to the opinions of others about how ‘a biological child would have been a better option for us.’

It must be painful and discouraging to feel that your immediate friends and family do not support your choice. There are many layers to your question and I feel you could benefit from a heart-to-heart discussion more than a Q&A. Here’s my two cents:

• you don’t own explanations to anyone. Even family members. Your reasons and your story are yours only and you have a right to treasure them. This is training for you and your husband to when the child will come home, since unfortunately you will be met with inappropriate questions about her history or special needs. As parents, you will become guardians to her story and whatever you learn now in terms of fending off questions will come handy later. There are several ways to deny answers or dodge questions politely.
• Find people who truly support you. Friends and family can disappoint us. It may have to do with many factors. Maybe they expected something else for us (but it’s their problem, not yours). Maybe they have heard adoption or adoptive parenting is hard, they are worried for our well-being but express it in the wrong way. Or maybe they simply don’t understand it or lack empathy. I have heard multiple stories of family members coming around when the child came home and even growing to be the best advocates for her and for adoption. My general advice is to find people and communities that truly support you during each phase, and have patience and hope that the people who matter to you will grow out of their own fears or ignorance to come and help.
• Adoption is a complex journey. Adoption and adoptive parenting, in my own experience and hear-say, will bring as many challenges as beautiful changes to your life. It’s not uncommon to lose people who don’t support your choices along the way. It’s a terribly lonely journey at times or, more accurately, your expectations about who supports you will be refactored. For example, few friends may really understand the challenges of the adoption process or of adoptive parenting. They may shut down your worries with “this is just how children are” while you know this is how effects of childhood trauma are. Or your parents will struggle to understand their grandchild have attachment issues. Adoption is not simply having a child. Work hard to keep your expectations low and your resilience up!

I hope this helps, feel free to reach out if I can help more.

[translated from FIN] How much does the international adoption process cost? What monetary costs should I expect?

Excellent question, one which is rarely discussed because people are afraid to put a price tag on their children. Adoption counselling is free, but it requires a time investment and, if you are an immigrant like myself, translations costs. You will be required to meet a social worker about 10 times over a year, which means time off work. Documents required may include you visiting public offices and, potentially, official translations to Finnish language. Like you mention, the international adoption part is expensive. Kela (The Social Insurance Institution in Finland) reimburses a good deal when the child comes home. Without counting the grant in, you should expect to pay between 10- and 25 000 euros over then span of 1-5 years. This includes everything: the trip(s) to the child’s country, translations, adoption agency fees, and so on. Again, add time taken off work for info sessions or meeting the agency contact person.
Finnish law forbids to set up private fundraising, but one can consider asking the bank for a loan.

I hope this has helped easing some burning curiosity. Adoption is complicated, nevertheless is one broken but beautiful way to become a family. This Q&A was fun, let’s do it again.