My husband’s active role in raising our kids is crucial in our family. During both parental leaves, I urged to go back to work and he took the lead in caring for our kids at home. Finland is quite avant-garde when it comes to parental roles, but in other countries there’s plenty of work to do when it comes to family policies and social perception. Months ago, I have started this blog series to give stay-at-home dads visibility and a small platform to share their feelings, perspective, daily life. 

I’m so glad to welcome today a guest dad blogger from Canada, Matt from Dashing Dad. While reading his post I was alternating laughs with “awww“s. His learnings perfectly align with my own conclusions, even though it took way longer than a year for me to reach them. How powerful can mum guilt drag us back! It feels comforting and validating when a father comes to the same realisations as we mothers do, namely on the importance of self-care, on how not to lose focus on the parents’ relationship, as well as ways to keep our sanity while at home with the kids. But enough of my opinions, please enjoy Matt’s post and don’t forget to follow his family adventures on his blog and social media (Twitter / Instagram / Pinterest / Facebook).

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My name is Matt, I am the host of Dashing Dad and have been a stay-at-home Dad for just over one year with my beautiful daughter in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I won’t lie to you, I think being a stay-at-home Dad is the greatest job in the world. There hasn’t been a day where I have thought to myself “Man I wish I was back at work,” or “boy I miss those long commutes in rush hour traffic.”

While I have read many instances of SAHD’s being judged or looked down upon for their decision, I have been fortunate that has not been my experience. I have both a loving and supportive wife as well as a supportive community. I realize I’m lucky and that these opportunities to spend time with my daughter are fleeting.

Going into being a Dad I had little idea of what to expect and what to do. While I’m far from perfect, I have learned a lot in my first year. Here’s some of the main things.

Activities are a sanity saver

Obviously, everyone’s personalities and parenting styles are different, but for me I need to be doing something. Sitting at home and doing nothing is difficult for me most days. Sure, the odd Sunday when it’s the middle of February and -40, it’s great to curl up at home and not leave the couch, but for the most part I need to be out and about. As far as the day-to-day life at home is concerned, this has meant planning my weeks out with activities to do each day. Since Clara still blesses me with long afternoon naps (I know how lucky I am and I’m soaking them in while they still last) most of the things I plan are in the morning. 

all of this helps me keep my sanity and helps the days pass much quicker. Speaking of time passing quickly…

Long days, short months – I get it

I was told frequently before having Clara how fast time would move. As I shifted into becoming a SAHD the expression long days, short months or long days, short years was thrown around quite a bit and boy do I get it.

When you’re in the day-to-day life of being home the days can DRAG by. Especially on weeks where either you or your child aren’t your best self(s). Clara has just turned two and a few weeks ago flipped a switch straight into terrible twos. By the end of the first week of dealing with it, I was done and needed a break. But as I sit back and reflect on it, that was now almost two months ago, and I can’t believe it’s already 2019. Before I know it, she’ll be heading to pre-school and I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready for that.

Patience is important but requires daily practice

When kids aren’t actively trying to kill themselves – which let’s be honest is pretty much 24-hours-a-day – they’re pushing boundaries to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with. It’s natural and it’s a part of growing up – but that doesn’t make it easy. As the days start to pile on top of one another, and you feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and over again, your patience can wear thin. Or disappear completely.

For me learning to deal with that has meant recognizing when I’m at my wits end and taking a step back. Doing something selfishly for myself, whether it be sitting on the couch doing nothing during nap, going for a bike ride, or going out for drinks with friends, it’s important for me that I do those things so that my lack of patience doesn’t carry over into the next day.

Keeping our marriage strong takes work

As much as you may love being a stay-at-home parent, or as much as your partner may enjoy their job it’s vitally important to take time for your relationship. In the first year of being a stay-at-home dad, it took a few months before Dashing Mom and I had a clear feeling of what our new roles were in the family. That is still evolving, and we are doing a better job of checking in with each other to see how we’re doing. These little chats can feel like coming up for air from the underwater chaos that is everyday life.

Lots of people talk about putting their kids first, but in our family,  Clara comes second and our relationship comes first. Kids learn so much by watching the way their parents interact. It’s how they build a foundation of how relationships should look and what a marriage is.

Not taking care of your relationship can create children that are potentially dependent longer than they should be and that have a sense of entitlement. It can also create a toxic relationship with your spouse filled with resentment and hurt feelings.

For us, taking the time for each other can be as simple as having a long discussion about our days and the plans for the upcoming weeks. It can mean a date night, or a short overnight trip to the mountains. Sometimes it can even mean taking Clara to the park and chatting while she plays. But it does take a focused effort to make sure we do these things, otherwise before we know it months will have gone by and we won’t have had a meaningful talk about anything (see: long days, short months above).

I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s OK

Parenting has come with a shocking amount of learning. Sleep schedules, snacks, girls hairstyles, clothes (how many layers does a baby need to sleep in?!?!?!?) the learning is never ending and I constantly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

But that’s ok.

Part of being a parent, I’ve found, is learning on the go and learning to roll with the punches. Doing what works for our family and not feeling guilty about it. That also means not judging other families for what works for them. And when worse comes to worse, there’s always our good friend Google (I never thought I would Google “how to get poop out of _____” so often).

The only constant is change

At times it’s downright cruel that just as you get used to your child doing something they go and change it.

“Good news, Clara loves grapes so I went and bought a pound of them!”

*Clara refuses to eat grapes for the next month.*

*I eat a pound of grapes.*

It makes sense that kids are constantly changing, especially in their early years, but it can still be annoying. I’m learning I need to embrace the constant change and just try to roll with it.

It’s all so worth it

Given the choice again, I would pick staying home over and over. Clara and I have a strong bond (although I completely cease to exist once mom is home lol) and I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to get to watch her grow up and all of the random hugs I get for anything in the world. I look forward to more outdoor adventures, teaching Clara new things, doing silly dances and watching her grow. While I’ve learned a lot in my first year as a stay-at-home dad, I’m under no delusions that my learning is done and I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store.

You can find Dashing Dad at his blog Dashingdad.ca as well as on:

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He is also a finalist in the Best of Calgary awards, for Top Blogger.