Cultivating emotional intelligence in children is a fundamental responsibility of parents. Wikipedia defines emotional intelligence as

the capability of individuals to recognise their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behaviour, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one’s goal(s).

Think what a better place the world would be if people were able to identify their own and others’ emotional state; if they were able to react and respond appropriately. A lot of issues in this world are caused by humans being unable to process these social and personal information.

Most parents are hell bent on pushing children on academic achievements. Education is important, but missing to teach emotional intelligence to children can have lifelong dramatic impact on our kids’ mental health, relationships, and social life.

The role of adults

First and foremost, let’s clarify your role as a caregiver. Children need adults to develop emotional intelligence. Your role is to help your child navigate her interior world. You are not here to manage your child’s feelings: you’re here to teach her how to manage them herself. You’re not here to control your child’s behaviours: you are here to help her connect the dots between trigger, emotions, and reactions. A popular question parents ask in forums is “how should I handle my toddler’s tantrums?”. This is an ill-posed question. There’s no quick fix: what you can do is, teach your child healthy strategies to deal with emotions and in time tantrums will happen less often and less intensely.

All feelings are valid

This is an important pillar of fostering emotional intelligence in children. There are no wrong or bad emotions. You should embrace and reinforce this. Feelings are ways our body and mind process reality. Fear or anger can be healthy responses to threats, for instance. The worst thing we can do is to force children to suppress what we label as ‘negative’ emotions (that is code for feelings that make us uncomfortable). By doing this, we deprive children from learning how to identify and process a big chunk of emotions. If they enter teen years or adulthood without this expertise, they will be tempted to dumb those unfamiliar/shameful feelings (see addictions), vomit them on other people (ranging from being a jerk to abusive), or ignore important alarm bells (thus becoming vulnerable to dangers).

Every time you sit through a tantrum, every time you handle a fight between siblings, every time you are comforting a scared toddler in the middle of the night, you are doing important work. You are teaching your child that emotions are a part of life and they are valid; you are prioritising comforting and guiding her over your own emotional reaction; you are sitting with her through a difficult moment and that’s a great show of love. If you are struggling with your child’s outbursts, check out my tools for anger regulation.

Expand your child’s vocabulary

When children are small, we spend countless hours pointing objects and teaching them how they are named. This is no different for emotions. It is crucial to provide kids with a rich emotional vocabulary over the years. The wheel of emotions is a fantastic tool to achieve that.

Help your child to gradually move from the center of the wheel towards the outer ring. You will help them see the nuances of the basic emotions of anger, sadness, and so on. It is not a bad idea to print the wheel and have it hang somewhere in your house.

Be vocal about emotions

You cannot have a sit down with your child to illustrate her the world of emotions. No, you have to set a clear intention for yourself and then pick every opportunity to prove your point. This includes occasionally commenting on situations you witness. Sometime when we watch a movie, I make a comment or pop a question on a character: “He looks heartbroken” or “How do you think he’s feeling now? When did you feel like that last?”. We do the same when reading books. Emotional intelligence is also about identifying feelings in other people.

Something I routinely do is being vocal about my emotions. Not only it is a teachable moment, it also works brilliantly for my self-regulation. For example, if I’m frustrated for something one of my children did, I say it out loud while I have my emotional reaction. Being vocal about my feelings helps me calm down and keep control (and avoid screaming). At the same time, I’m showing my children how do I look when I am frustrated, and I am normalising both the feeling and talking about it.

Help your child verbalise

Verbalising emotions doesn’t come naturally, maybe because it is not yet a social trend. Between a poor vocabulary and lack of positive examples, your child needs your help to translate her feelings into words. When you see your child overwhelmed, try to verbalise for her: “Maybe you feel anxious because I told your to hurry up”. In time, this will normalise the habit. It is really rewarding when my 5 year old spontaneously comes up with observations like “When I am tired, I get angry easier”.

Lead by example

Your children always follow what you do, not what you say. This should be taught in Parenting 101, if that was a thing. Your child will not grow capable of self-regulating if you yourself cannot do it. Your child will not have a rich emotional vocabulary if you don’t have one. This may sound like a lot of pressure, but I see this as an opportunity. Children give us a chance to live our own life once again, including re-parenting ourselves if we ever need to. I had to work through on my own emotional intelligence before being able to teach something valuable to my children.

Teach through reading and play

Cultivating emotional intelligence in children can be fun. There are plenty of children’s books that can help you start a conversation on emotions. What’s better than an emotional checkup through a bedtime story?
Another tool for parents are games. You can find tailored boardgames on feelings like The Color Monster as well as made-up ones. For instance, one can use a coloured Jenga tower and set a rule: if you pull out a red brick, you need to share of an episode when you felt angry, if you pull a blue brick one when you were sad, and so on.

In conclusion, nurturing emotional intelligence in children is hard work, but one that pays off. I saw incredible progress in my children over time in how they deal with their emotions, their stress cycles, their selves, and also other people’s feelings. This journey has been beneficial for me too, as an individual. It has given me a chance to reflect on my own ways to process feelings. I hope these advice will help you get started on this tough but rewarding journey with your family.

Featured Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash.

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