Today a fellow expat mom in Finland published a question on a closed Facebook group: how to build a support network to make an expat family thrive? There are challenges that are specific of life abroad. In a new country you don’t have family or friends’ support, and family life is demanding by definition. Are you and your partner overwhelmed and need a night away? You can’t summon grandparents to babysit overnight. Is one of the parents incapacitated? The other has to hold it together by herself. Let alone if you are a single parent…
I started writing my reply in her thread, only to realise I had too much to share for a comment. So I made it a blog post!

These are my tips from 9+ years living in Finland. My husband and I are both expats and we juggle a family of two toddlers and, occasionally, a preteen. Some of our kids have special needs and we are both working full-time. These years haven’t been short of challenges and we could have never pulled it out without the tips I’m about to share.

Understand that you’re not alone

My first tip is to realise that there are many parents struggling with this – pretty much every expat parent. Few lucky ones have family of their Finnish spouse to help a little, but many do not have any support at all. Even when you have relatives living in the same continent, you won’t have the short-notice daily help many local families count upon. How does this help? Well, I have found people in my same situation and in emergencies I know I can ask them help because they get it 100%. They understand how important my requests are and don’t underestimate my struggle. Similarly, I try to pay it forward and offer my support when I have slack and someone is struggling. Slowly build your tribe.

Create a Whatsapp group

Years ago I was introduced to a private Google Group gathering other Italian women living in Finland. It included some who had been living in Finland for 20 years as well as newcomers. The main rule, you were included only by invitation if you knew at least one group member IRL. This restriction made it a safe space. Later we created a Whatsapp group as spin-off. This chat group became a huge part of my everyday life. I use to ask quick questions or stir discussions, often on private matters that I don’t want to expose on a Facebook group with strangers. I also enjoy I get to speak in my native language and we often make inside jokes only Italian people get. We sometime organise dinners, support each other, and stay connected to our birth culture. Create your own group. Start with few fellow expat moms or parents you know, and slowly expand.

Build your lifestyle mindfully

We have been very intentional over the years about choosing jobs that would allow our lifestyle and work-life balance. For example being able to do remote work is essential for both of us. We also need a workplace and managers that are considerate towards our family requirements. We need flexitime. Few months ago I was enticing the possibility of working for a company in US. I soon rejected the idea, simply because I cannot afford to work with a company that has less work-life balance or no family friendly policies or incompatible timezones. I know expats struggle to build their career in Finland, but try to make sensible choices wherever you can.

Hire professionals to help

Our lifestyle is peculiar. In many periods of our life here, professional help was not a luxury, it was a necessity. We have invested time and effort in finding professionals that we could afford to better manage our household. Two examples are babysitters and cleaning services. And I found them cheap (and legal).
We hired teens in our neighbourhood for both and paid 10-15 euros/hour. We paid them (along with taxes) through the online tax service Palkka. For some time when our daughter was small, we found we needed someone to pick her up from daycare regularly, at least once a week. I surveyed her classmates’ parents and found one mom willing to help. She made few extra bucks and our girl was excited she got to go to regular playdates with a friend. It was convenient since this mom lived in the area and had to visit the daycare to pick up her son anyway. Similarly, we had months where we could not find time or energy to clean the house regularly. We hired a teen and she would come for a couple of hours every week. It wasn’t professional cleaning but it was enough to keep us out of the social services’ radar 😛 (JK).

Explore available resources

There are many hidden resources for families in Finland. It might take time, tons of internet research, and a million questions shot around, but you can find some. For example, perheneuvola offers free family counselling. Neuvola has a service for overtired parents, where a nurse babysits your baby for free while you take a long nap. There are free mental health hotlines and Kela reimburses a good amount of therapy services’ fees. Many parents of small children work reduced hours (I think employers have to concede them – check with your union). In times of crises, I have even used the free-of-charge babysitting services available in some malls (like Sello).

Ask for help

This is general advice. Expat family life is tough. It is. I know people who are in therapy solely for that. It can be alienating and lonely, full of invisible struggles that surrounding locals, sometime even your Finnish partner, simply do not get. It’s okay to ask for help from fellow expats, other parents, your partner, your work manager, a therapist, professionals. Be open about your experience and struggle. Be honest with yourself. Have self-compassion. Build solid self-care routines.

I won’t lie, a lot of my energy goes into making up for the support we don’t have here. An expat’s support network is dynamic: the friends you make may move away. Some friendships even start with an expiration date, as their plan is to stay temporarily. It’s part of the game and you need to accept it. Your family’s needs will change in time and you oughta be creative and proactive. For few months I regularly exchanged babysitting favours with a neighbour. I have a couple of Finnish moms in the neighbourhood on speed dial for emergency daycare pickups. Occasionally I have tactically scheduled playdates for both kids at the same time to have a couple of spare hours. You will learn to play the game. Sometime you’ll need to just push through or stop and reassess your prioritise. It’s hard, mama (or papa), but you’ve got it!

Do you have other tips for fellow expat parents? Please share them in the comments section!

If you liked this post, you might appreciate also:
Things you need to know as an expat parent in Finland
Moving to Finland? Gotcha.
Anxieties of an immigrant parent.