How can we keep our children safe in the digital world? I am aware many parents struggle with this question. Every time I share digital parenting tips and stories on Instagram, I get a lot of engagement. Navigating the risks, the tools, the skills you need is discouraging at best. Yet these are conversations we need to have. The stakes are high.

My friend Stefania Alisciani Eräpuro recently shared an experience on the matter on Facebook. With her permission, I publish her cautionary tale for the benefit of others. If you have similar experiences or if you have questions or issues, please comment below the post (or contact me if you want privacy). I plan to write more of digital parenting in the future and I want to serve my community with the content you need! Here is Stefania’s story.

About a year ago our son wanted to download Fortnite. I don’t approve of my kids playing games based on shooting and killing people (they remind me of school shootings and the horrible case back in Norway which also happened on an island and it just feels wrong), but as a couple we failed to keep a united front here and the game ended up being downloaded. The kid presented a good case of “everybody else plays it, there is no blood, it’s just a game, I know killing is not fun, why are you always so strict…etc“. I felt inadequate as a mom. Maybe I am too strict, I thought. Maybe everyone else is letting their kids have a life and I am like this crazy hippy making my son miserable .
As parents, we were both too distracted to notice the effects quick enough and associate them to the game.
He started waking up at night. Being restless. Aggressive. Bored. Uninterested. Stopped drawing. Stopped playing with toys. Started counting the minutes to his next screen time.

He started waking up at night. Being restless. Aggressive. Bored. Uninterested. Stopped drawing. Stopped playing with toys. Started counting the minutes to his next screen time. Addicted, basically.

He was only ever allowed THIRTY MINUTES at a time. On occasion a whole hour. And not every day. I know many kids are not monitored during the day and can play for hours on end.

Still, this game appeared to massively affect his behaviour and sleep. So we took it away. On and off, for months. He’d be allowed to play a week then I took it away for a month. Eventually, relapsing because “come on, all of my friends can play it”.

THEN…

One night in late august the kid wakes us all up in the middle of the night screaming like someone is trying to rip the skin off his back. Shouting names of guns and rifles, screeching like in a horror film. Tony goes to calm him down. This makes things worse as the half asleep son thinks his dad is there to kill him. WTF. Like pause here. WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?!
This to me seems a lot like PTSD. I read about soldiers having post traumatic stress disorder affecting their sleep after being stationed in a warzone. How the f*** does my 9 year old have PTSD?!
I am not saying this is happening to all children, but it certainly did to mine. His vivid imagination didn’t help him.

Finally a united front, as parents we agreed to remove the game and not allow him to play until he is older and his brain can deal with it. There is parental advice, so let’s follow it. No Fortnite until you are 12, sonny boy.
Obviously he protests for a few days then forgets the whole existence of the game and gets on with it. Starts going back to normal behaviour, no nightmares, more excitable, drawing and reading etc.

THEN.

Last week out of the blue he asks about playing it again. “everyone else can and I am left out…they have Mando on it…bladidah…”
No, we said. This time, both totally convinced and standing our ground.
On Monday, he went to a friend’s house and of course, they played Fortnite. For the first time in months. He says it was for 1h, so I assume it was at least 2 .

The very same night he couldn’t fall asleep. Whining in his sleep, sweating…nightmares again.
The following night, again. He can’t fall asleep, he eventually does but wakes up having a nightmare. He admitted it was about Fortnite. Someone was chasing him and eventually got him. That’s heavy I thought.
He used the word ahdistava, Finnish for distressing, stressful, oppressing, scary all rolled into one. Yep, definitely how I would describe being on an island with 99 people out there to kill me, which is what the game is about.

Finally, the 9 year old agrees, this is not good for me. You were right.
HAH! Since when being right doesn’t make me feel good?! 

My point in this long old story is: I knew this in my heart a year ago but gave in. I was too busy to fight it every time. He was smart enough to spring peer pressure on me. Still, my job is to protect my kids when things are not suitable. No matter what his friends can or cannot do.
Not all kids are the same but they all need our protection. It is OUR job, not theirs to make the right decision.
Use your instinct and maybe even put blinkers on to ignore what everyone else is doing.

Thank you Stefania for sharing this powerful and upsetting story for the benefit of other families. I agree with Stefania’s conclusion: it’s our job to protect our children from risky situations and we cannot give up healthy boundaries just for the fear of upsetting them.

One piece of advice for parents is: be clear about what are the non-negotiable things. For instance, we abide to age ratings for content and apps. If WhatsApp is for 16+ or a videogame is 12+, it is not negotiable. Another line we draw is about games where players can message each other – it’s a big no at 7 years old.

As a parent, you need to grow immunity to peer pressure – otherwise what kind of lesson are you teaching your child, that it’s okay to give in to peer pressure? If you know something is wrong or risky, it stays such even if everyone else seems to be doing so.

I don’t blame Stefania. I had (and have) the same shortfalls and it’s often hard to be the only parent in the class to say no to certain things. You start doubting yourself, I know I do. I also know that setting clear boundaries with my husband beforehand helps us to stand our ground.

Let me know your thoughts on this story or what challenges you face in the digital world as a parent. Let’s help each other!

Featured Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash.