I was recently watching this video by mother of seven Ashley and she mentioned overstimulation as her biggest challenge in motherhood. It struck a chord with me, as body image and personal boundaries are issues I struggled with for years after becoming a mom. I had a hard time collecting the triggers under one definition and it was helpful to be able to do that. I had heard other moms agreeing on me on some of the stressful aspects of daily parenting, like how having a moment of peace on the toilet becomes a luxury, breastfeeding feeling as being a walking food dispenser, or constant high noise levels that barely allow you to hear your own thoughts. However, thinking how all these could belong to one single giant stressor made it all more real and clear to me.

I want to share my experience, to reach out to other moms struggling as well as fathers who may have a hard time understanding what the fuss is about.

It all starts with the pregnancy

I remember how excited I was to see that test coming out positive: I was pregnant! While I consider being able to carry a child a privilege and I appreciate some aspects of it, there’s a harsher reality that hits a woman right away: you are responsible for growing a human being. Straight away you are required to change your diet and give up unhealthy habits (which usually coincide with the pleasant ones). If the pregnancy has complications, you may be required to stay in bed and take time off work. Hormones make you all crazed up, like you are not in charge anymore. Your body transforms, you struggle to sleep, walking around or being independent is harder and harder. This lasts almost a year! On some days, your body feels more like a vessel than something that is part of you.

Postpartum joys (sarcasm)

A topic which is not discussed enough is the consequences of pregnancy on your body. After I gave birth, my body felt like a battlefield (not only down there!). A woman’s body changes permanently during the pregnancy and birth. You are sore for days or weeks. I recall how frustrated I felt when I had to throw away almost all my clothes, since nothing fit my hips and chest anymore. Like that part of my life was over forever. I lost vision consistently, my feet grew one size (bye, old shoes), I gained ten kilos I recently accepted will stay. All of sudden, I replaced feeling attractive and confident, with repulsive and disgusting. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, my flaccid postpartum belly hanging out, thinking “that is not me!”. It was a dissociating experience.

Breastfeeding

My attempt to exclusively breastfeed fueled PND big time for me (I’ve written about my struggles here). I did not have a great supply and one session took 40 to 60 minutes for me, during which I was just supposed to sit and wait. Repeat for 10 times a day. Since I was unable to pump, that also meant I had to prevent any personal life from happening for almost a year, since I could not leave the baby for more than an hour. How I hated being a woman, back then! Breastfeeding is knowingly demanding. It’s not just the fact you need to be available at all times: it takes time, it can be painful, and leaves your breasts like hanging empty sacks. Again, I did not feel in charge of my body. It was dehumanising to see it from that perspective.

Goodbye, personal space

Mommy is the source of comfort. It’s not for lack of attempts, dear dads! My husband spent most time at home with our kids, yet I hold the title of Head of Comfort. That’s just biology and we will never have equality there. Turns out, babies and toddlers have a hard time understanding personal spaces (shocker!). It can be truly challenging to get a break from them if you are not intentional and you fall prey of the guilt. As a first time mother, I could not cope with leaving my baby screaming in the hands of her father to get a well-deserved break. Now that I know the danger is potentially reenacting the movie Shining, I face things differently, but at the time it was hard to believe I deserved five minutes off. I know I’m not the only one struggling with this. It has much to do with the image of mother we have engraved in our minds, but I bet even the Virgin Mary has muttered murder when Jesus asked for the fifth glass of water past bedtime.
Being a mother naturally means having an audience while on the toilet, having your name screamed sixty to a hundred times a day, being used a climbing tool, having to cook dinner holding a baby who has much interest in your eyes and hair.

To summarise, motherhood felt like my body was a baby oven left irrecoverably damaged before turning into a food and comfort machine, while I was left to witness without a say in it.

And then there was him

Somehow couple life and dynamics have to fit in all this. Unfortunately I (we) did not nail this aspect and it took a long time for us to find a new healthy balance. Especially during the baby phase, in which a baby’s and her mom’s days almost overlap, I had a hard time having a slack left for my husband. I didn’t want to be touched! I had another human all over me for most of my day, I did not care for another. My husband complained I used to care for him and now I was gone. I wanted to murder him when he said that. All the issues described above made me feel like I had disappeared. Caring for another demanding and helpless human being was not giving me any space to find me again… and it felt selfish that he would ask for me to give even more when I had nothing left.

What I have learned

Now I know that out of inexperience and loneliness, I made so many mistakes which made my situation harder to bear. I have learned so much from those difficult years:

• self-care is not self-indulgence. Everyone deserves to be kind to themselves and fill their lives with joyful things. This includes cutting some space for you and your partner.
• motherhood is not martyrdom. It’s okay to acknowledge that sensory overload is a trigger and to take breaks from it. You have a right to personal boundaries. It’s okay to say I don’t like this aspect of parenting. I now believe it’s a lesson for our children to show we are able to set healthy boundaries.
• my body is powerful. My body has changed drastically and rapidly, but that doesn’t mean it is not beautiful. Beauty has little to do with perfection. My body has proven to be powerful to grow a human being!
• my partner went some dramatic changes too. I wish I was able to have more empathy towards my husband. He was also hit hard by becoming a father. It must have felt so alone to feel he was losing his wife. If I could turn back time, I would try to voice my discomfort, ask for help, show him my vulnerability. We would have found a less painful way to be close and evolve as a couple.
• my motherhood experience is only mine. Comparing your experience to others’ can make you lonely. Trust yourself and do not try to conform to some unreachable ideal of mother. Be true to yourself, your values as well as your limitations. You are enough.

I am grateful I have learned from my experience. I am grateful my whole family gave me space and time to heal and learn, and never left my side or lost their trust in me. I am grateful I am loved and accepted.

I am now well-aware I’m not alone in this struggle and I hope this post will validate the discomfort, pain, and even trauma many moms go through. I also hope it will spare some of that suffering and help others shift their perspective and learn new ways to take care of themselves and fulfil their potential to be happy. You are enough!