Are you worried your child is doing too much screen time? Following a very interesting discussion on my Instagram, I have decided to collect some thoughts and tips on the matter. Hopefully this post will help you draft your own rules and find a balance that works for your family.

This post complements an old one where I have listed our own screen time rules. Years later, we still hold the same rules and they serve our family well.

Technology isn’t evil

We have strict family rules when it comes to technology. This is not because we believe technology is inherently bad. Technology is a tool and, like every tool, we need to teach our children to use it properly. Tech is a powerful tool and it holds several risks. It plays (and will play) a major role in our children’s life. It is essential we as parents teach them how to be aware of its risks and how to embrace its power. I want my children to have a healthy relationship with technology and this involves limiting their access to certain apps or devices until it’s appropriate.

Your own screen addiction

Several parents came up to me to share how they struggled to lead by example when it came to screens. They themselves were addicted to their smartphone or to social media. I hear this loud and clear, and few weeks ago I took the radical decision to delete all my social media profiles except for Instagram and LinkedIn (yup, I said goodbye even to WhatsApp). Our devices, social media, and apps are all designed to be addictive.

Children care about what we do, not what we say. If you do too much screen time, they will do the same. Before you take decisions on your child’s digital life, you need to do the work to set yours in order. You can consider a digital detox – here’s some tips to set your own boundaries. We have some rules that work well for us parents: no phones at the dinner table, I do not bring my phone to the bedroom, and lately I have started placing my phone physically away from me (even on another floor) when I need to focus or be present.

A matter of priorities

Building our children’s relationship with tech to be healthy and under their control is high on our priority list. So much we are willing to base our choices on this. For instance, we have two options for childcare after school hours for our daughter. One option is free, but we know she and her friends would be free to use their phones with no supervision; the alternative option requires us to pay 80 euros a month, but we know that place has a strict no-device policy and she is engaged in stimulating and fun activities. Some of her best friends are enrolled in the first and she regularly asks to switch. Because we know they would end up looking at a screen every afternoon, we hold our ground.

There are many things we forbid our kids to do because they are not age-appropriate and too risky. Would you let your child roam free in an adult movie store? Don’t we tell them not to speak to strangers in real life? Why losing our common sense in the digital world, then?

Clear house rules

Having clear rules serves our family very well. Our children generally know when and how long they can watch tv. They are not allowed to use phones and they can use the tablet with permission and supervision (and we have turned on all possible parental controls). Small children hardly question clear routines. Sometime they do ask for exceptions and we may concede. However, if they insist or whine too much, I am ready to take off these privileges. Because hey, let’s not forget that watching tv or playing with the tablet are not necessary activities, but privileges. If screen time creates issues, it’s time to turn it off.

Non-negotiables

A piece of advice I often share with parents is to sit down and write down what are the risks they are not willing to take when it comes to the digital world. This should be an exercise that is repeated every year or so, following the child’s growth. Personally, I stick to app and content age ratings, also to show my children that those are there for a reason.

The 4C framework is really useful to categorise and map digital risks for young people. Once you have your non-negotiables, it becomes way easier to make choices in the day-to-day life. Say that my 7 year old child asks to install WhatsApp, whose age rating is 16. It’s an automatic no, I don’t have to think about it. Given how I have reflected on why I don’t want to take that risk, I can explain to my child the reason why.

Making them responsible

Having clear rules to avoid too much screen time does not mean we don’t leave the door for negotiation and conversation open. In the long run, I want them to become aware and independent. Having an open dialogue on technology, its risks and its benefits, is essential.

For instance, my 7 year old daughter does not have a smartphone or internet access, while most of her friends do. As you can imagine, we often do the dance of “why can’t I have a smartphone, all my friends do”. I use every opportunity to explain why it is not appropriate. I use my own shortcomings in regulating my own screen time as an example of how addictive these devices can be. I also use the metaphor of content being food for the mind: like small tummies cannot afford to eat certain foods or quantities without hurting, children’s brains are threatened by inappropriate content or too much screen time.

Going forward, I plan to gradually allow independence and freedom, paired with tools to track and control their use of screens and technology. A screen time contract can be a good idea for older children. The idea can be adapted for younger ones (maybe a sticker chart?).

Our own fears

One mother wrote me: “I’m afraid placing these limitations will socially isolate my child”. It is the dark side of our protection instinct. Fear-fuelled decisions are never rational. Setting boundaries on your child’s digital life will influence their social life, but it will not destroy it. I know this because I have witnessed it with myself (I have deleted my social media profiles twice and my relationships have always adapted) and with my daughter (her friends find ways to contact her and often visit). It goes back to priorities and non-negotiables. Once those are clear, you can make choices without regrets and being aware of the risks you want to control.

Facing peer pressure

We are by far the strictest parents in our children’s social circles when it comes to technology. This kind of situation can fuel self-doubt and make us feel some kind of peer pressure. It is essential to rely on a community that supports your choices. I have a friend here in Finland with older children and who is stricter than me with digital devices. Every time we discuss on this matter, I feel my motivation and self-confidence growing. Having international connections also help: many of my friends living abroad are totally shocked when they learn Finnish parents give smartphones to 7 year olds – it makes me feel less insane!

There are several online communities on digital parenting (I warmly recommend this one) that can address your questions and support your choices. Once again, this kind of conflict is an opportunity to lead your child by example and prove that peer pressure is hardly a valuable reason to change your beliefs.

Do you face challenges when it comes to your child’s screen time or digital life? Let me know in the comments.

If you are interested in the topic of screen addiction, I warmly recommend this video featuring Dr. Gabor Maté:

Featured Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash.